A little funny from my sister in law, Anna. Enjoy....
The Children's Bible
in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred
near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.
The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He
must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a
light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked, but
they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented
yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....
Not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a
son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the
early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million
or something.
One of the next
important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large
boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some
other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came
Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold
Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast.
Jacob had a son named
Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important
Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away
from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's
people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels,
and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every
day with
manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just
thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers
was Joshua who was the first Bible
guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the
fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He
got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son
named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but
that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch
of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a
big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were
also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them.
After the Old Testament came
the New Testament.
Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem
in
a barn. (I
wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me,
'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be
nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many
arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was
Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a
great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those
guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the
Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands
instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven
but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.